Slapped With A Revelation.. Ouch That Hurt!

I sat down tonight to find something inspiring to post to my friends on facebook, little did I know I was going to find something that basically told me all that I didnt do for my husband while we were together. Honestly, I was oblivious to most of my wrongs until I read this and I felt like I was slapped very hard in the face. Here it is for you to read and then I will conclude my thoughts on it.

What Every Person Needs …
What we all need as human beings is really,  just one single person to be absolutely on our side. …
Someone who has faith in us, someone to really love us as we are, no questions asked, without reservations or judgements of any kind;
Just a single person who will always be there to help us, protect us;
To inspire us, applaud us  when we have succeeded in something, no matter how insignificant  it may seem to an outsider; 
Someone who will encourage us  to strive towards the best we can possibly be,  and always, always cheer us on; 
Someone who cannot ever be tempted away by youth, beauty, money, bribes  and will always choose us,  every day, each moment afresh; someone to stand by us when everything falls apart,  who will love us no matter what;
Someone who will never let us down,  never give up on us, never leave us  and who will always, always  be fiercely and actively loving of us  in every way, every day,  until we take our last breath in physicality.
Well, that person is here. 
It is you. 
And now, finally, we can start on the road to be that person  we always knew we should have been – with a little help from our self,  our endlessly loving totality.

I started wondering why I was never all of these things to him, then I started reflecting on my childhood (only because it seems to me that to be this way naturally to someone, one would have to get this in some fashion while growing up or to at least observe it being done by others, which I concluded I never saw nor recieved.) My childhood was full of negativity and witnessing nothing but unhealthy relationships. I try not to blame my issues on my childhood, I would like to think as an adult most of those things are things we can grow from and not blame for our short comings, however I do see how this could be relevent to my lackings in my relationship and I suppose knowing is half the battle right? But then I went on to the next question in my head… Why now? Why did this get brought to my attention after 4 1/2 years of marriage and extreme damage and it the midst of a divorce?? Its like a sick joke. Now that its too late the facts are revealed. Dont get me wrong I am not saying it was all my fault but I always wondered why he looked at me like I was the enemy and now seeing how I responded to all he was doing, going through, and how he was coping, I can see why he thought I was the enemy. This is weighing on my heart heavily tonight. Now that I know this is how I am, now I have to figure out how to change it. Thats going to be the hard part.

To Be Perfectly Honest

This may be the only place where I can say whats honestly going through this crazy mind of mine. Im going through a divorce with the man that I love with all of my heart and soul and I feel whats brought us here has mostly to do with rushing into things too fast and many life changes and circumstances that we werent ready for that rocked our world in the first 2 years of us being together (military life, new baby, adjusting to civillian life, financial hardships, alcohol dependancy, my soon to be ex learning how to be a father to my two boys and then having a baby) it was all a bit much. We married before we got pregnant, but we were together for 6 months before he had his deployment for 6 months and then returned and we got married 3 months later. Anyway, the fact of the matter is there was a lot of damage done emotionally since we didnt deal with all of it the “right” way and here we are 3 1/2 years into our marriage and getting a divorce. This is not what I wanted, its not what I want, he says its not what he wants BUT I feel this is what needs to be done to wipe the slate clean and maybe we can learn to develope a friendship and if its meant for it to slowly turn into something more then I will let life determine that. I know it sounds crazy, but he has been seeing someone else for emotional support (and so he can use her car) of course I am resentful of that however I find relief in knowing now that we are in the process of divorcing its not so much my concern. I am able to focus on me and my children and take care of us. He can do what he needs to do to work on himself and either choose to be constructive with his time or destructive, right now its not my concern (although I do worry about him.) I feel like im crazy to think that divorcing may help eventually bring us back together! lol Who does that? Maybe I’m still in denial of this coming to an end even though I’m the one pursuing it? How does that work? I feel emotionally we are both in the same boat as far as loving each other deeply but it just not being what we need to focus on. Does this make any sense? If I tried to explain it to my friends they would say I’m out of my mind and to just let him go. I figure time will determine what I’m suppose to do with my feelings for him. We talked today and he was saying how he can smell the change in the air and knows Summer is right around the corner and is sad that we wont be doing our summer stuff together, I suggested we do as friends…. he didn’t say much about that but it didn’t seem like he was entirely against it, he is just worried that would be hard emotionally. I think it could be an opportunity to bond as friends, something we didn’t get to do in the beginning. Maybe I’m crazy, IDK. What do you think?

120 Days

We are now in a waiting period. I got the divorce paperwork done, served him, and now I wait 30 days before I can file the last bit of paperwork. I have to do a child class here because its required and then its just a matter of time. April 2nd I will go down to the courthouse to file the last papers and then we got about 90 days, which happens to put us right before The 4th of July. Its been very bittersweet. My focus has been on dealing with everything in a healthy positive manner. I have redecorated my living room to make it look more like a chicks pad 🙂

Got rid of the old nasty couch, got a new rug, some new pics, and candle holders! My kids helped me hang the candle holders, hence the reason they arent centered lol Im going to the gym and taking frequent hot baths! It all manages to help until I have to see him again on Sunday and recieve frequent texts to make me question everything, but then I remember he is still driving her car, he is still drinking, he is all talk, and I deserve better. I turn off my phone and continue on. One step at a time, One day at a time and soon I will be free of that mess.

Your Fool ~Poem~

What doesn’t matter is how I feel,

Letting you go was what I had to do.

The toxicity is what was real,

There was far too much to lose.

I despise that I love you,

Even after all you have done!

You made me look like a fool,

And this is what has come,

Of a love taken for granted…

Over a fool that gave you so many chances,

Tear after tear I poured out to you,

And this is me here looking like a fool.

They say time heals all wounds,

They say the pain will fade away,

But how can that be true when I pictured us old and grey?

You remind me so frequently how much we are missed,

but justify your decisions based on all of this,

making no attempts on fighting for what’s yours,

instead you drink through the pain while you cower in the corner.

If we weren’t enough to stand up for,

If we weren’t worth the fight,

Why would I ever want someone like you,

That would give up, instead of make things right?

No more tears for you will I shed,

No more missing you at night while laying in my bed,

No more wishing you would have been true,

No more me, being your fool.