To Be Perfectly Honest

This may be the only place where I can say whats honestly going through this crazy mind of mine. Im going through a divorce with the man that I love with all of my heart and soul and I feel whats brought us here has mostly to do with rushing into things too fast and many life changes and circumstances that we werent ready for that rocked our world in the first 2 years of us being together (military life, new baby, adjusting to civillian life, financial hardships, alcohol dependancy, my soon to be ex learning how to be a father to my two boys and then having a baby) it was all a bit much. We married before we got pregnant, but we were together for 6 months before he had his deployment for 6 months and then returned and we got married 3 months later. Anyway, the fact of the matter is there was a lot of damage done emotionally since we didnt deal with all of it the “right” way and here we are 3 1/2 years into our marriage and getting a divorce. This is not what I wanted, its not what I want, he says its not what he wants BUT I feel this is what needs to be done to wipe the slate clean and maybe we can learn to develope a friendship and if its meant for it to slowly turn into something more then I will let life determine that. I know it sounds crazy, but he has been seeing someone else for emotional support (and so he can use her car) of course I am resentful of that however I find relief in knowing now that we are in the process of divorcing its not so much my concern. I am able to focus on me and my children and take care of us. He can do what he needs to do to work on himself and either choose to be constructive with his time or destructive, right now its not my concern (although I do worry about him.) I feel like im crazy to think that divorcing may help eventually bring us back together! lol Who does that? Maybe I’m still in denial of this coming to an end even though I’m the one pursuing it? How does that work? I feel emotionally we are both in the same boat as far as loving each other deeply but it just not being what we need to focus on. Does this make any sense? If I tried to explain it to my friends they would say I’m out of my mind and to just let him go. I figure time will determine what I’m suppose to do with my feelings for him. We talked today and he was saying how he can smell the change in the air and knows Summer is right around the corner and is sad that we wont be doing our summer stuff together, I suggested we do as friends…. he didn’t say much about that but it didn’t seem like he was entirely against it, he is just worried that would be hard emotionally. I think it could be an opportunity to bond as friends, something we didn’t get to do in the beginning. Maybe I’m crazy, IDK. What do you think?