Loss of Identity

Who is your puppet master?

Who controls your strings?

Who is in charge of the drama you bring?

 

One minute your high next minute your low…

Who is in control of the directions you go?

 

Clearly it is not you controlling your life.

When everyone else is the blame of your strife…

 

Do you know how to set yourself free?

Do you know how to let go of those strings?

Does it scare you to be in charge of each step you take?

To take responsibility for each move that you make?

Is it easier allowing the rest to hold the blame?

For your absence in the world, a man with no name?

 

A mirror with no reflection, a victim full of scars,

You must take control of the strings to find who you are.

Or keep crying and blaming and searching for answers.

Refusing to take control is what it comes down to.

 

Settle for weakness, hide behind your addictions,

Listen to the voices, succumb to temptations.

Keep going in circles that lead you nowhere,

Reach out for a hand that will no longer be there.

 

Bridges upon bridges you continue to burn,

But a man with no face will never learn.

Workin Through The Quirks…

Its been a while since I have been able to sit down and feel capable of putting into words the events that have been taking place in my life. I managed to find the strength and courage to go against my will and hearts desire and file the divorce paperwork once and for all. It’s not the proudest moment in my life but it had to be done after he decided not only to move in with her (through no fault of his own of course, he had too, he had no other option.. pft… ok…) and then to find out he is taking her and our son to visit his family in California for a week in August. They aren’t serious but he is introducing her to his friends and family?  So, I had to rush down to the courthouse and file those final papers to ensure our custody agreement. NO I do not  feel like he would just up and kidnap our son, but honestly who does? It happens, im a protective mother and you’re damn straight under those circumstances filing those divorce papers no longer became a question in my head.

This has been a very odd time for me. When my first marriage ended I was 22 and had never experienced being  a single adult woman before so in a way it was exciting and scary and an adventure into the real world of men after hitting puberty (that got old real fast once I realized that just because they had grown didn’t mean they were anymore mature, they were just a tad bit better at their game and lines then when I was 15!) This time I am a grown woman with 3 children and the idea of this whole dating world is not as exciting to me. For one I barely have the energy for it or time in my calendar and the age range im contending with is kind of on a larger scale but my preferences and ideas of what I want in a man are very particular. I’m not entertaining the idea of finding love, I think at this stage in the game im a bit jaded for that to be what I’m after. (forgive me if im contradicting myself at all lol) I’m also not looking for some young, dumb, boy toy… I actually already went that route during this whole debacle and realized quickly that I needed to be fairly intoxicated to deal with that maturity level. I guess I just feel like I should get myself out there and socialize, go on dates, get some flattery and laughs… not be expecting anything to come of it and just have a good time. I think its important that I at least try to allow myself that much considering I’m 9 months into this and need to look onward instead of backwards. Then there’s redefining who I am, finding out more about “me”…. when in a relationship that was mostly all based around the other partner, you tend to lose sight of who you are..

The hardest part about divorce im finding out  is moments of silence, holidays, birthdays, coming home from a weekend away and no one being home to greet you…. not having that special someone anymore, not having that person to call and tell what just happened so you can vent and feel better. Sure girlfriends are great and I don’t discredit mine at all but loneliness sucks and its been so long since I’ve felt someone hold me with love and kiss me with passion and look at me like the world could disappear and it would be ok as long as I was still standing there. Its hard. I’m doing all I can do within my power to wake up everyday and keep on keeping on, to appreciate every moment of life with my kids and friends, and even try to make the most of my “me” time, sometimes it just takes a song or a memory though to bring you back to a moment where you could have never imagined being at this point years later…  This is the first year w/o him, I’ve survived Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Easter and all of our birthdays… now I just got the 4th, our divorce being final, and our anniversary to go and of course the date it all came to a halt…. I can only hope that the 2nd year is easier. I hope im on the tail end of this bullshit emotional roller coaster ride and good times are soon to come. The funny thing is after all he says I’ve done to him and after all he claims has been my fault he is upset that I don’t want to be his friend…. he is distraught because I don’t want to be buddies! All I can do is shake me head, push that block call and text button on my phone, and continue on. I’m getting there one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. The light is there.

How To Start Over

I don’t really have the answers to the title of this blog, I’m still figuring it out, I’m discovering what not to do quite well though! Going backwards is definitely NOT the answer, trying to make things right when your husband has moved on (but hasn’t let you go) is not the right direction. One would think a nice, attractive, distraction that’s great in the sack would be a good way to move on but its only created mixed emotions and forced walls. I think I was on the right track in between these two situations when I had dedicated myself to a fantastic skin care routine, ritual baths full of amazing ingredients, and a steady gym routine to shed off the unwanted remains of the undesirable weight I have left from the last child! This situation has been the hardest endeavor of my life, letting go of the dreams we had together has been the hardest part of it all and of course there’s all of the first moments our son has had that we haven’t had the joy in experiencing together. I realize that I need to continue to focus on me because I seem to be happiest when I got my routine emphasizing my well being. Every Monday I alternate having my nails done and pedicures/eye brows waxed, Sun, Mon, Fri. I go to the gym, I take my amazing baths 2-4 times a week, and try to hit the hot tub 1-2 times a week. I enjoyed the short period of time when that was my focus, no men to complicate my thoughts, feelings or emotions. I’m not ready for all of that and when I am I’m doing it right, not starting it out as fuck buddies. I really need to start learning from my mistakes of the past otherwise I wont get ahead and I’m not getting any younger! Being a grown up sucks! Time heals all wounds, so its said, it just sucks when time is moving at a snails pace! Hurry the hell up already! The finish line is in my distant sight…. I’m getting there.

Slapped With A Revelation.. Ouch That Hurt!

I sat down tonight to find something inspiring to post to my friends on facebook, little did I know I was going to find something that basically told me all that I didnt do for my husband while we were together. Honestly, I was oblivious to most of my wrongs until I read this and I felt like I was slapped very hard in the face. Here it is for you to read and then I will conclude my thoughts on it.
What Every Person Needs …
What we all need as human beings is really,  just one single person to be absolutely on our side. …
Someone who has faith in us, someone to really love us as we are, no questions asked, without reservations or judgements of any kind;
Just a single person who will always be there to help us, protect us;
To inspire us, applaud us  when we have succeeded in something, no matter how insignificant  it may seem to an outsider; 
Someone who will encourage us  to strive towards the best we can possibly be,  and always, always cheer us on; 
Someone who cannot ever be tempted away by youth, beauty, money, bribes  and will always choose us,  every day, each moment afresh; someone to stand by us when everything falls apart,  who will love us no matter what;
Someone who will never let us down,  never give up on us, never leave us  and who will always, always  be fiercely and actively loving of us  in every way, every day,  until we take our last breath in physicality.
Well, that person is here. 
It is you. 
And now, finally, we can start on the road to be that person  we always knew we should have been – with a little help from our self,  our endlessly loving totality.
I started wondering why I was never all of these things to him, then I started reflecting on my childhood (only because it seems to me that to be this way naturally to someone, one would have to get this in some fashion while growing up or to at least observe it being done by others, which I concluded I never saw nor recieved.) My childhood was full of negativity and witnessing nothing but unhealthy relationships. I try not to blame my issues on my childhood, I would like to think as an adult most of those things are things we can grow from and not blame for our short comings, however I do see how this could be relevent to my lackings in my relationship and I suppose knowing is half the battle right? But then I went on to the next question in my head… Why now? Why did this get brought to my attention after 4 1/2 years of marriage and extreme damage and it the midst of a divorce?? Its like a sick joke. Now that its too late the facts are revealed. Dont get me wrong I am not saying it was all my fault but I always wondered why he looked at me like I was the enemy and now seeing how I responded to all he was doing, going through, and how he was coping, I can see why he thought I was the enemy. This is weighing on my heart heavily tonight. Now that I know this is how I am, now I have to figure out how to change it. Thats going to be the hard part.